Growing Up · A family activity

When Your Tween Says “I Don’t Know”: Making Room for Questions

Try a three-card activity that lets your tween choose to talk, write, or wait, with practical ways to respond when a question feels hard to ask.

By James Teen

A parent and tween consider three paper cards and a pencil during a relaxed moment at the kitchen table.

“Is there anything you want to ask?” Your tween shrugs. “I don’t know.” You were trying to open a door, and now you are unsure whether to ask again, suggest a topic, or leave it alone.

You do not have to solve that uncertainty immediately. Try giving your child a choice about how to bring you a question before asking for the question itself. A few paper cards can make the options visible without turning the conversation into a quiz.

Start with the words you actually heard

“I don’t know” does not tell you why your child is quiet. They might not have a question, might need time to find the words, or might prefer privacy. Those are possibilities, not conclusions about your child. Avoid answering an imagined question or treating a shrug as proof that something is wrong.

For an ordinary, nonurgent conversation, try: “You don’t have to come up with a question right now. If one comes to you later, we can figure it out together.” Then let the moment breathe. You can keep folding laundry or preparing a snack without asking a second version of the same question.

The American Academy of Pediatrics emphasizes listening calmly and avoiding judgment or a lecture when teens bring concerns. That is a useful starting point for a parent whose child has not found the words yet, too.

Try three cards: talk, write, or later

This is an original James Teen family activity, not a test, a clinical tool, or a page from a book. You need three scraps of paper and a pencil. Use it only if your tween is interested; you can explain the options aloud instead.

  1. Make the cards together. Label them “Talk,” “Write,” and “Later.” Your child can suggest different words or add simple symbols.
  2. Explain the choice. Say: “If there’s something you’re wondering about, you can choose how to ask. You can also skip this.”
  3. Let the card be enough. If they choose “Later,” do not immediately ask what the question is. If they choose “Write,” agree on where to leave a note and when you will read it.
  4. Follow the choice. For “Talk,” ask whether they want you to listen first or help find information. For “Write,” allow a sentence, a few words, or a drawing. For “Later,” offer to check in at a time they choose.

Keep the cards somewhere agreed on, such as an envelope in a shared kitchen drawer. Do not place them inside a private diary or read private writing to search for questions. The cards are an invitation, not a daily assignment or a way to measure how much your child shares.

What the activity can sound like

When your tween chooses “Later”

Parent: “Okay. Would you like me to ask again after dinner, or would you rather bring it up?”
Tween: “I’ll bring it up.”
Parent: “Sounds good. I’m available.”

For an everyday topic, honor that answer. Avoid adding “But just tell me what it’s about.” That asks for the information they have just chosen to postpone.

When a written question is vague

A note says, “Is it weird to be different?” Instead of deciding what “different” means, ask: “Do you mean something about your interests, your body, your friends, or something else?” Offer the options once and leave room for a different answer. They can clarify in another note if that feels easier.

When you do not know the answer either

Try: “I want to give you an accurate answer. Let’s check a reliable source, and I’ll come back to you tomorrow.” Choose a realistic time and follow through. For a personal health or development question, your child’s pediatrician can help.

Once a question arrives, keep the first response small

Put down your phone and let your child finish. Check what they are asking before launching into an explanation: “Are you wondering what happens, or what you could do next?” A friendship question may call for listening; a body-change question may call for a clear factual answer.

CDC guidance recommends letting children finish sharing, then checking your understanding in your own words. It also recognizes that young people may not want to talk immediately. Try a short check: “You’re unsure how to respond to your friend. Have I understood?” Allow them to correct you.

Hearing a question does not require agreeing to every request. If the question is about a family rule, explain the boundary clearly and discuss any choices within it. Keep your response focused on the issue your child raised.

Keep privacy and safety clear

Ask before sharing an everyday personal question with relatives. Avoid promising absolute secrecy. You can say, “I’ll respect your privacy. If something involves your safety, I may need another adult’s help, and I’ll explain what I’m doing.”

The “Later” option is for nonurgent conversation; it does not replace acting on a safety concern. If you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, CDC recommends reaching out to a qualified professional, such as their pediatrician.

One small step for today

Offer the three choices once. If your tween declines, put the paper away and enjoy the time together. The goal is to leave an understandable route back to you, not to produce a revealing conversation on demand.

For another gentle starting point, try our low-pressure conversation activity about growing up.

Sources for parents and caregivers

The scripts and paper-card activity are original suggestions for everyday family communication. The linked organizations do not endorse this activity.